It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
