The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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