you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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