i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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