turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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