I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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