she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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