I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
