I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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