my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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