I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
