He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
