Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
