Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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