That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Someone shit on the floor
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
