I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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