the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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