Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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