Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
