From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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