Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
