shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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