I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
