Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
