help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
