some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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