i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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