So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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