maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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