Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
