Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
