I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
