Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
