conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
