u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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