I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
