last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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