I want to have your abortion
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
