I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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