I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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