My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize