Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You took a bar mat shot.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
