you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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