the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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