remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
