My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We smell like vodka and hangover
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