Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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