So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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