i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
