Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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