You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
