my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
