I faked an abortion last night.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
