I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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