I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize