Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
