then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
