The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
