Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
