Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
