C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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